Every new year, as you may know, I set a goal, or a meditation for the year ahead. I do this instead of New Year’s Resolutions. I mean, I still make smaller goals or wishes for myself, but instead of deciding that to have succeeded in my year I need to make more money or write a book or whatever, I have found that what works better for me is to decide to focus on perhaps abundance, on creativity, or something like that. For many years I have had “healthy boundaries” as a theme. Duality was a theme, one year. Authenticity has been a recurring one. My theme for 2022 was “Take No Prisoners.” I spent the year meditating on what it meant to really lean into what you believe and not accept (or make) excuses. As I said at the end of last years new year’s blog, “Make it accessible, make it kind, make it inclusive, or burn it down!”
And I sure did that this past year! I’m really proud of all the beautiful things that year of meditation (and working meditation) brought me. As with years past, spending a whole year allowing a singular concept to seep into every aspect of your life can be really transformative. There’s balance in everything, of course. But it’s really a delight to look back at the end of a year and assess how much you’ve changed after working with one mantra for twelve months.
This past year, 2022, was a lot. A lot of good, mostly, but also a lot of a lot. I was deeply involved in my local town and state politics. I served as a representative at the State Democratic Convention. I was an election official. I got involved with a social justice library. I was appointed to a State Disability Committee. I worked my jobs and made my art and have been traveling for both of those things. I’m still incredibly disabled and in intense pain 24/7. I’m still working on my fucking dissertation and have considered quitting it just about every day. But I’m still plugging away at it. I haven’t given up yet. I’ve had my photography, my modeling work, my disability advocacy work, and my articles about disability justice and being queer published in over a dozen magazines and papers large and small, my most proud being featured in THEM. I did a lot of things in between naps and trips to the doctors (of which there were many). I got someone’s living situation taken care of that hadn’t been for decades. I came out to my family while maintaining healthy boundaries.
And almost all of it was inspired by the idea of “take no prisoners.” Of “if this is something I believe in, I will not stop until it’s resolved/until we win/until I succeed.” And through that, I accomplished a lot! I met amazing people. I made HUGE strides. I learned a lot. It has been INCREDIBLE!!! But y’all, I’m also so fucking tired.
Everyone has the right to be tired. Life is exhausting. Especially right now. In addition to just the general state of life, I also wander this plane with a condition called myalgic encephalomyelitis, or chronic fatigue syndrome. Despite the common-sounding name, it doesn’t mean that you’re just always kinda tired. It means that, no matter how much you rest, no matter what you do, you are always exhausted to the core of your very being. Like, lifting your head takes so much energy that it often seems overwhelming. As in, you can sleep for 10 hours and feel like you haven’t slept in 10 days. The amount of concealer that is needed for the dark circles under your eyes is something that I’m sure Beowulf-ian tales will be written about. That to say, I’m always running on empty. And even so, I’ve accomplished a lot. And I’m proud of that. But it’s not sustainable. And it’s harming me. It’s always been harmful to me. I’ve acknowledged this since the days of owning several businesses while being in school and running in a hundred directions at once.
So, this year my meditation is a bit different. I want to honor all that I’ve done, and keep doing amazing things! I don’t wanna quit or give up. NEVER. At the same time, I also want to honor my body and my mind. My energy and my dynamic disabilities. I want to honor all aspects of myself, not just my over-achieving self. So this year I’m meditating on stillness, on less is more, and on focus. On doing a few things, well.
This year I want to take more time to move slowly through my house in the quiet of the morning, taking the time to sip my coffee and say good morning to all my plants. Not rushing to get to an appointment or starting my day panicking about an email I didn’t send (every day, at least). I want to do my art-work, with intention. Not just getting through shoots, but really taking time to pour myself into them. And if that means fewer sets but with higher quality, I’m here for it. I want to do fewer things, but with more of me in each thing I do. With more time to sit, meditate, journal, sip tea, and just be. To recover. To breathe. Instead of just dragging myself from one event to the next, with my body falling apart along the way.
I’m so excited about the things this year holds. I’m excited about the things I am involved in, that I get to pour myself into. And I am so excited to sit and read my Daily Stoic meditations, to mist my philodendrons, to make exquisite art, and to actually have the time and space to do things with intention and quality. I know this won’t fix my pain and my genetic conditions. But I hope that by slowing down and living a bit more intentionally, maybe things can be a bit… gentler.